In the inky black depths of the sea, further down than light can penetrate, lives a unicorn. And a dragon. And Elvis.

It’s totally true, and nobody can prove otherwise. Ha, ha! Take that, science!

I went there the other day, and asked Elvis all the important things, like the meaning of life, and why he liked peanut butter so much, and he said “Bubble, bubble, bubble, gurgley sound, bubble!” or something like that… I may be paraphrasing a little…

As I was leaving, I waved at the dragon, who winked at me and then farted. Well, I reckon he did anyway. He just blushed furiously and gesticulated wildly at the sulphur vent behind him… yeah sure, dragon, whatever you say… that’s almost as bad as blaming the dog…

The unicorn wasn’t around at the time, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist. She might have been shopping for shoes, and flat screen TVs, or something.

 

So, I’ve been out of town… Blogtown, that is.

I wasn’t being idle, however. I was really, really busy, saving the world from injustice and clogged drains.

All that is behind me now, though. As Vanilla Ice may or may not have said, “My hair is too tall!”…

Peace, you crazy housebound felines!

The man walked. He didn’t know where he was going, because he was just a character, and I was yet to tell him. Actually, I didn’t really know where he was walking to either. So, as I was stuck for an idea, I decided to ask him what he thought.

“Excuse me,” I said “just wondering if you have any idea where you’d like to walk to?”

The man stopped and looked around. Then he thought for a moment, looked up and said,

“God? Is that you?”

God? He didn’t believe in god. I was sure I’d written him in as an atheist. Oh, hang on, hadn’t got that bit yet, had I?

“Sorry, no God here,” I replied “By the way, for future reference, you’re an atheist”

“Oh, am I? Good to know. Thanks.”

“So, anyway, where would you like to go?”

“What’s my point of reference?” he asked.

“Sorry. I don’t really understand the question.”

“You know,” he said “Point of reference. At the moment I’m just walking. Nothing around me. The scenery is as plain and white as, say, a piece of printer paper. If I know where I am walking from, what I am walking on, whether I am wearing shoes, that sort of thing, then maybe, just maybe, I might be able to give you some sort of idea. Until then, I guess I’m just walking”

Seemed like a bit too much of an effort to complete a poorly thought out sentence about a man who, for some unknown reason, walked. So I decided to stop writing about him.

I wonder what he’s doing now?

He gazed into her eyes, took her hand and said “I’m not giving it back, you know.”

“But it’s my hand” she said, “I need it.”

“Be that as it may, this house is a mess, and I can always use a hand.”

“But the point is that it’s my hand, and I want it back.”

“We’re married, right?”

“Yes.”

“And when I proposed, I asked for your hand in marriage, right?”

“I guess so, but…”

“But nothing, you gave me your hand. I like it and I’m going to keep it.”

“What am I supposed to do now? I can’t work like this”

“I guess you’ll just have to get someone to give you a hand”

Welcome back to “Cooking The Books”!

Tonight, we are going to show you how to cook one of my favourites… Suspense Soup!

In a large heavy based saucepan, combine one emotionally flawed protagonist, half a dozen roughly chopped murder victims, and a liberal splash of mysterious phenomena. If phenomena is unavailable, substitute with one whole sadistic villian. Add one litre of stock (preferably police chase or childhood back story). Sprinkle with flour, and stir until the plot thickens. Boil until the murder victims float to the top. Ladle into deep bowls and garnish with a couple of red herrings.

This wonderful soup should be served with a side of chilled revenge. You can heat the revenge up, but it really is best served cold.

The flavours will have you guessing til the very last mouthful!

Stay tuned! After the break,  We’ll show you how to use all those frozen leftovers in a delicious Post-Modern Casserole.

The scientific world is in turmoil after new evidence has come to light regarding a centuries old power struggle. It turns out that the sword is, in fact, mightier than the pen. Conclusive tests revealed this fact based on sharpness, metalness, and overall stabiness.

Only one test showed the pens superiority over the sword. The test in question was that of using the implement as an underwater breathing device. During the course of this test the inner tube was removed from the pen. Critics are decrying this test as unreasonable, though, as it alters the inherent structure of the pen, thus making it no longer a pen.

Due to these findings, other long held beliefs are also being questioned and tested. For example, as we speak, Necessity is undergoing a maternity test to prove that she is actually Invention’s mother.

The following story is true. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Judge: Silence in the court!!! Bailiff, what is the next case?

Bailiff: Your Honour, The next case is State versus Johnstone. The charge is Grand Theft Cookie.

Judge: Thankyou Bailiff. Will the prosecution please present the case.

Prosecuting Attorney: Thankyou, Your Honour. Today, we are here to prove that the defendant, one Mr Johnstone, stole the cookie from the cookie jar. If you will look to Exhibit A, you will notice the cookie jar. It is very empty. (Turns and points at Mr. Johnstone) You stole the cookie, didn’t you, Mr Johnstone? Didn’t you?

Johnstone: Who? Me?

Defending Attorney: Your Honour, I would like to point out that my client does not fully understand the charges leveled aginst him.

Judge: Mr Johnstone, you are being accused of grand theft cookie, and it is suggested that, yes, you, indeed stole the cookie from the cookie jar. How do you plead?

(manic whispering between Johnstone and Defending Attorney)

Defending Attorney: Your Honour, my client pleads not guilty, on account of  ‘Couldn’t Be’.

Judge: Hmmm, ‘Couldn’t Be’?… In light of this plea, I find the defendant not guilty of all charges. Case dismissed.