November 2010


To whom it may concern,

I am applying for the position of right up in the top left hand corner, that was advertised in yesterday’s generic and entirely fictional newspaper.

I feel that I would be a perfect fit for this position as my head is cube shaped, thus there would be no wasted space between me and the aforementioned position.

I have many skills that I could bring to this position, such as the ability to stand in one place for a very long time, and the very rare and unique skill of being able to breathe. This will definitely be a positive for your company, as this skill assists me in staying alive.

Please find my resume attached. I used sticky tape, glue, and a little bit of ribbon with glitter on it.

I look forward to hearing from you, and I will if you speak loudly, as my hearing is excellent, or poor. I have yet to decide.

Sincerely,

From whom it does concern.

My tummy was rumbling.

I assumed I was hungry.

I ate something.

My tummy still rumbled. So I went in there to find out what’s going on. Turns out some punks have moved in and are having excessively loud parties and smasing all the furniture. The music isn’t that great… just a lot of rumbling sounds. I’d be much more impressed if my stomach played Rachmaninoff’s Concerto #3 in C when I was hungry. I tried evicting the punks, but the body corporate were very uncooperative.

I know this is supposed to be a creative writing blog, but sometimes I guess things pop up that just need to be shared.

So welcome to a brief glimpse into my life:

Do do do do do doooooooo (that’s trumpet fanfare, just in case you couldn’t tell…)

Alrighty… a little background information is required here. The other day, I received a call from someone, who we shall refer to as Bob, telling me that they had a missed call from my phone number. I told them my phone had been playing up, which it had, and that I hadn’t actually called anyone that day. I apologised for the inconvenience, and thought nothing more of it.

Then, yesterday, as I was laying on the couch, reading a (not very good) book, I was treated to a wonderfully eye opening text message exchange of wierdness. I probably shouldn’t have allowed myself to get so involved, but hey, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. The rest is verbatim*

Bob: Hey that random person that rang u in regards 2 a misd cal. Jus wondrin if u knew the joneses?

Me: Huh? What you talkin’ about, Willis? (I thought at this point that it was a friend of mine whose name, for some reason was showing at the top of Bob’s messages)

Bob: Sori 2 b random n confusn, juswthat u sorta sound familiar n was wonderin if i knew u thro otha ppl. U sound so familiar! Cant put my finger onit

Me: This is Doug, right?

Bob: Na dnu hu that iz? This bob i gota misd cal frm u n rang lyk a couple days ago memba?

Me: Yeah, right. I remember now. Where do you think you know me from?

Bob: Wel ur the 1 that rang me but suposidly ddnt. Duno, ur voice n ur vocab jus sounds lyk i know u. How old r u n what skol did u go 2

Me: 33, and I went to a bunch of different schools in qld and vic. That was a long time ago, though 🙂

Bob: Damn, So doesnt ring a bell. Your a old man compard 2 me. Wea bouts did u grow up u sound sorta maori? r u

Me: No, not Maori, mate. Born in Melbourne, moved between vic and the Gold Coast all my life. Maybe I’m just one of those familiar sounding people…

Bob: Sori ta b cheeky, had to say ur a old man hehe. Awk thort i may hav known u from touch maybe. Yea prob jus random conection fne stuf. U hava lovely day

Me: You too, mate. Take it easy.

Bob: Yip, again jus a quik sori 4 inconvenin u. Hava gud 1

Me: No problems!

Bob: Jus tryn ta b polite u seem nyc so yea hava gud 1 n gudluck 4 future even tho i dnt know u

Me: You too. Take care.

 

And that’s the last I heard from Bob.