October 2010


The Fairy Tale Re-write Sessions Presents:

‘Girls in da (red) Hood’

 

A little girl, Red Riding Hood,

Was taking a walk through the wood,

To take to her gran

Milk, cookies and flan,

And all sorts of things that were good.

 

She met a big wolf on the way,

Who asked of her plans for the day,

She said “It’s my plan,

To visit my nan,

I’d like to go now, if I may.”

 

Unbeknownst to poor little Red,

The wolf then went bounding ahead,

Through Gran’s door he stole,

And ate her up whole,

Dressed like her, and jumped into bed.

 

Red Riding Hood opened the door

Of old Granny’s house and she saw,

Her nan lying there,

All covered in hair,

And of Gran, there seemed a lot more.

 

“You’ve mighty big teeth, Nan!” She said.

“All the better for eating you, Red!

You’ll taste mighty good,

You and that red hood,

And I’ll start off by eating your head!”

 

But as the wolf raised its huge paw,

A woodsman crashed in through the door,

He swung his huge chopper,

The wolf came a cropper,

And its body fell dead to the floor.

 

Granny then crawled from its belly,

Unharmed, but a little bit smelly.

Wiping gunk off her head,

She smiled at Red,

And said “Love, shall we see what’s on telly?”

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Long before the invention of hotpants, there were amazing things. They were called dinosaurs.

Dinosuars would have looked great in hotpants. Especially lime green ones. Lime green hotpants, that is, not lime green dinosaurs. Though they would have looked pretty awesome, too!

I’m pretty sure I was going somewhere with that… hang on a sec… let me just retrace my steps…

Right! Got it! Dinosaurs…

Dinosuars were the first creatures in the world to invent roller skating. They were mad for it. Brontosauruses might have looked pretty slow and cumbersome when they walked around, but chuck a pair of skates on one, and it was as graceful as a giant, leathery swan. And you know that stereotypical image you see of the T-Rex? The really angry one? He only looked like that when the skate rental shop had no more skates in his size. T-Rex was usually a real softy.

They also invented lawn bowls, but it didn’t really catch on until about 20 mintues before the giant asteroid collided with Earth. It’s a shame they were all wiped out… I would like to have seen a veloceraptor take lawn bowls gold at the Olympics.

In the inky black depths of the sea, further down than light can penetrate, lives a unicorn. And a dragon. And Elvis.

It’s totally true, and nobody can prove otherwise. Ha, ha! Take that, science!

I went there the other day, and asked Elvis all the important things, like the meaning of life, and why he liked peanut butter so much, and he said “Bubble, bubble, bubble, gurgley sound, bubble!” or something like that… I may be paraphrasing a little…

As I was leaving, I waved at the dragon, who winked at me and then farted. Well, I reckon he did anyway. He just blushed furiously and gesticulated wildly at the sulphur vent behind him… yeah sure, dragon, whatever you say… that’s almost as bad as blaming the dog…

The unicorn wasn’t around at the time, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist. She might have been shopping for shoes, and flat screen TVs, or something.

 

So, I’ve been out of town… Blogtown, that is.

I wasn’t being idle, however. I was really, really busy, saving the world from injustice and clogged drains.

All that is behind me now, though. As Vanilla Ice may or may not have said, “My hair is too tall!”…

Peace, you crazy housebound felines!