September 2009


Welcome back to “Cooking The Books”!

Tonight, we are going to show you how to cook one of my favourites… Suspense Soup!

In a large heavy based saucepan, combine one emotionally flawed protagonist, half a dozen roughly chopped murder victims, and a liberal splash of mysterious phenomena. If phenomena is unavailable, substitute with one whole sadistic villian. Add one litre of stock (preferably police chase or childhood back story). Sprinkle with flour, and stir until the plot thickens. Boil until the murder victims float to the top. Ladle into deep bowls and garnish with a couple of red herrings.

This wonderful soup should be served with a side of chilled revenge. You can heat the revenge up, but it really is best served cold.

The flavours will have you guessing til the very last mouthful!

Stay tuned! After the break,  We’ll show you how to use all those frozen leftovers in a delicious Post-Modern Casserole.

The scientific world is in turmoil after new evidence has come to light regarding a centuries old power struggle. It turns out that the sword is, in fact, mightier than the pen. Conclusive tests revealed this fact based on sharpness, metalness, and overall stabiness.

Only one test showed the pens superiority over the sword. The test in question was that of using the implement as an underwater breathing device. During the course of this test the inner tube was removed from the pen. Critics are decrying this test as unreasonable, though, as it alters the inherent structure of the pen, thus making it no longer a pen.

Due to these findings, other long held beliefs are also being questioned and tested. For example, as we speak, Necessity is undergoing a maternity test to prove that she is actually Invention’s mother.

The following story is true. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Judge: Silence in the court!!! Bailiff, what is the next case?

Bailiff: Your Honour, The next case is State versus Johnstone. The charge is Grand Theft Cookie.

Judge: Thankyou Bailiff. Will the prosecution please present the case.

Prosecuting Attorney: Thankyou, Your Honour. Today, we are here to prove that the defendant, one Mr Johnstone, stole the cookie from the cookie jar. If you will look to Exhibit A, you will notice the cookie jar. It is very empty. (Turns and points at Mr. Johnstone) You stole the cookie, didn’t you, Mr Johnstone? Didn’t you?

Johnstone: Who? Me?

Defending Attorney: Your Honour, I would like to point out that my client does not fully understand the charges leveled aginst him.

Judge: Mr Johnstone, you are being accused of grand theft cookie, and it is suggested that, yes, you, indeed stole the cookie from the cookie jar. How do you plead?

(manic whispering between Johnstone and Defending Attorney)

Defending Attorney: Your Honour, my client pleads not guilty, on account of  ‘Couldn’t Be’.

Judge: Hmmm, ‘Couldn’t Be’?… In light of this plea, I find the defendant not guilty of all charges. Case dismissed.

Dear Generic Advice Column Writer,

I have a phobia of roller skates. I think it may be because of the time we went to the zoo, and that monkey, the one with the manky eye, you know the one I mean… well, that monkey stole my mobile phone, and I think it texted rude messages to all my friends. I got the zoo keeper to get my phone back, but the monkey somehow locked it and changed the PIN, so I can’t make any calls right now. That made me feel like the time that they didn’t have any maple syrup at the supermarket. I mean they had maple flavoured syrup, but not the real stuff, so I went home and made toast, and cried while I watched Oprah. Oprah didn’t give stuff away that day. Well, she might have, but I didn’t see her do it. She’s a bit sneaky, that Oprah.

Anyway, that’s not why I’m writing. I just wondered if you could tell me what that guy on the t.v. is saying. You know, the one in the ad with the waterslide and the hippos and that lady with the really big hat. I think it’s for tacos, or earth moving equipment, or something.

Thanks for your help,

Sincerely,

Walter.

P.S. Where did I put last July’s copy of Eggs Monthly?

HIYA!!! swish, chk, chk, uuuugh. OW! k, k, uuuugh, swish, swish, chk… AAAAAARGH!!! HA HA!!!

Man, kung-fu is hard to write.