July 2009


There comes a time in every persons life when they must learn the story of the birds and the bees.

I know that most parents find it a little difficult to put this wonderful story into words, so I have written it down for their ease and your pleasure.

So, here goes…

This story starts like so many others. Apparently it is the mark of a good story if it’s really old, and foreign.

Long ago, in a land far, far away (see? old and foreign), there lived a beautiful princess. Her name was Generic Fairy Tale Princess Type B, but most people called her Gen. Princess Gen lived in a bungalow at the back of a wholesale moonshine distillery. It was a small bungalow, with only one room, but there was lots of cupboard space, and it had a flushing toilet which, considering that it was a really long time ago, was pretty snazzy.

The Evil Count Olaf’s Wholesale Moonshine Distillery was owned, not surprisingly, by Count Olaf. He wasn’t really evil, but had found out through extensive market research that seven times as many people would buy alcohol produced by an Evil Count, than they would if it was called Really Nice Count Olaf’s Moonshine.

One day, Count Olaf was sitting in his counting house, counting out his money (which many would call treason, as that was usually the job description of the King), when Princess Gen came in to pay her rent. Olaf had never asked for rent, as he felt it was his countly duty to provide accommodation for the princess, but she was a forward thinking sort of girl, and insisted on paying. If you know anything about generic fairy tale princesses, you will know that that is a sure sign of a Type B. You see, Type A princesses are the submissive ones, the sort that lay around all day waiting to be rescued. You would never catch a Type A paying rent. Type B’s are the more dominant ones, the girls who go on quests to do really brave and daring stuff. Things like saving the kingdom from dragons, or eating a whole pizza in front of a pack of starving models. As she placed the little bag containing a bunch of coins on Olaf’s desk, Gen informed him that this was exactly what she was going to do. The Kingdom Saving thing, not the Pizza Eating thing. It had come to her attention that there was a plague of hyper-intelligent bees that were threatening the peace of the kingdom, with their stinging and buzzing and use of quadratic equations, and as a Type B princess, it was her obligation to get rid of them. So she took a sandwich, a handful of cashews, and six bottles of moonshine, and set out on her quest.

She hadn’t walked very far through the woods when she bumped into a Typical Ye Olde Witch. Literally. The moonshine had an unfortunate side effect of momentary blindness, and as Gen had been swigging from the bottle as she walked, she didn’t notice the witch until she headbutted her. Gen mumbled an apology before vomiting behind a tree. The witch was very gracious about the whole incident. She just smiled, muttered a few random sounds, waved her hands vaguely at Gen and then disappeared in a puff of smoke. The princess looked down, making sure she still had all the normal human body parts. She patted her head to make sure there were no horns sprouting there. She looked around to make sure she didn’t have a tail. Everything was looking normal, and Gen opened her mouth to laugh out loud at the witch’s useless curse. But instead of a laugh, all that came out of her mouth was the beautiful song of the nightingale. Well, that was a shock! She tried to speak, but the same thing happened. Nothing but the sound of birdsong. If she had have been a Type A, she probably would have sat on a conveniently placed rock, and cried, but as a Type B, she would have none of that. She actually really liked the sound of nightingales, so she just continued on her way, talking to herself, marvelling at the sweetness of her own new voice.

If Gen had taken any notice of the things that were happening around her, she may have stopped talking for fear that she would get her eyes pecked out, or possibly her nose pecked off, but she was very preoccupied with the bird noises that she was making. She didn’t notice that following her were hundreds, maybe even thousands, of birds. All kinds of birds. They were flocking to the sound of her new nightingale voice, much like figurative rats to the sound of a hypothetical pied piper.

Gen kept walking, singing away, until up ahead she noticed that the sky was much darker than it had been. She also noticed that the sky up ahead was buzzing more than skies usually do. She figured that it must be the swarm of bees that were threatening the kingdom. The fact that they were flying in polyhedron shaped formations kind of gave it away too.

She stopped in the middle of the path, and wondered what she should do to get rid of the bees. You see, she hadn’t really thought that far ahead when she decided to go on the quest, and the copious amounts of moonshine in her system were not really aiding her brain function, so she just stood, dribbling and swaying a bit, and wondered.

She didn’t wonder for very long though, as after about three seconds of  standing there, she felt a massive rush of air and feathers all around her, as the thousands of birds that had been following her flew straight into the swarm, and ate every single one of the bees. Just like that. Not a single bee remained. After they had finished gorging themselves on the swarm, all the birds that had been following Gen gave her a look of gratitude ( which was slightly disconcerting. Imagine thousands of birds looking directly at you) and flew away.

That, my dears, is the story of the birds and the bees. Glad I could help.

In the tree on the hill lives a bird that is green,

and it blends with the leaves, so that it can’t be seen.

This begs the question of how I know that it’s there,

Well, the answer lies in the bird poo in my hair