June 2009


Hi.

I’m sure you know someone who is a bit of a chick magnet. You know, that guy who gets all the girls. I bet you don’t know anyone like me though. I’m a bit different. I’m a bit of a fridge magnet.

I have this girlfriend, right. I don’t really know why I’m with her though. She’s got lovely porcelian skin, but on the inside she is so cold. She has a heart of ice. It makes it very difficult to get to know her. It feels like she is always keeping me on the outside. Never really letting me see her inner light.

Why are we together then? I don’t know. I feel like I’m stuck with her.

Roses are very nice flowers,

I like writing blogs after showers.

That, of course, is assuming,

that they’re not time consuming,

THIS blog has just taken six hours.

When Binary Took Over The World…

It takes 10 to tango.

11’s a crowd.

A square has 100 sides.

A stitch in time saves 1001.

Legs 1011.

Lucky 1101.

Sing a song of 110 pence, a pocket full of rye. 100 and 10100 blackbirds were baked in a pie.

Dennis the dragonfly sat on a rock, listening to the incessant rantings of his friend. Pterrence always went on like this, like he had a big chip on his shoulder, er, I mean, on his wing.

“Why are people always writing stories about dragons? I mean, the freaking things aren’t even real! Who ever heard of breathing fire through your nostrils anyway??? You’d burn all your nose hair! And all this crap about impervious scales… I bet if any of those bloody bastard dragons messed with Fat Tony T-Rex on a bad day we’d see how impervious their bloody scales are! And not to mention all this crap about a dragon being magic, just because they can fly… I can bloody fly and I’m a great big bloody lizard too, but you don’t hear me going on with all this namby pamby rubbish about being magical… magic’s for fairies and freaking hippies! Bruce wouldn’t put up with that crap… I mean, he is just a bloody stupid brontosaurus, but at least he has all four of his massive bloody feet stuck firmly on the ground. Why can’t some self respecting author do the smart thing and write a story about dinosaurs? Maybe they could write it about a handsome and bloody charming pterodactyl like me.”

Dennis had heard all this before. Many times, in fact. Every time Pterrence saw someone reading a fantasy novel with a dragon on the cover, he would go off on this tangent or one very similar.

“You know what I don’t understand?” said Dennis.

“I don’t understand why authors think they are so bloody clever using alliteration with characters names. I think it just makes them sound mentally retarded. I mean, fair call with Dennis the dragonfly… perfectly reasonable dragonfly name, but Bruce and Tony for dinosaurs??? And don’t get me started on the silent p in Pterrence… aah, bugger it, I’m going to go and find a story worth being in!”

And with that he got up off his rock and flew away… out of the story and out of our lives forever. Which is kind of sad, cause you know you can’t have a story without a dragonfly in it.

A new industrial estate has been given the go ahead by the local council, trusted sources report.

The proposed estate will be geared mainly towards the food and beverage industries, with the main street containing two dairies and a lemonade bottling plant. Around the corner will be a new state of the art chocolate factory.

It is expected that construction will be completed by late 2010. Advertisers feel that the grand opening may be some time after that date, however,as they are finding it very difficult to come up with a catchy jingle.

I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I am being watched today.

I know… paranoid, right? Seriously though, I’ve seen the same guy about 20 times today, and every time I see him, he is staring straight at me. He doesn’t even pretend that he’s not when I catch him out. He just keeps staring me in the eye. It’s really starting to freak me out.

I thought that maybe I should tell someone, so I went and told my boss. He just laughed, called me an idiot and went back to whatever inane rubbish he was doing. I thought that was a bit harsh, and also not really in the best interests of providing a safe and secure working place for all employees.

I don’t really know what to do now. I think that… HEY!! There he is again!!! Just staring straight at me. That’s it. I’ve had enough. If my boss doesn’t have enough sense to get rid of creepy weirdos like that, then I’m quitting!

Never really liked working at the mirror factory anyway.

“Coconuts, ATTACK!!”

That was the command that saw the end of the world as we knew it. No longer could we have a guilt-free pina coladas or lamingtons. There was mayhem!

The impact of the coconuts war on humanity wrenched hearts and rended guts. People cried in the streets. Curries tasted different. Tropical holidays were cut short by kamikaze coconuts, or Kamikakonuts, as they leapt from their palmy strongholds onto the heads of unsuspecting tourists.

Those hit worst, however, were the poor bar staff of the world. They suffered like nobody else. Their whole world came crashing down around their midriffs, as they realised that they would no longer be able to serve novelty cocktails in coconut shells. Oh, the shame!

I fear for the day when the watermelons decide to take over the world.