May 2009


It has recently been brought to my attention that the sky is about to fall. A reputable source, one Henny Penny, told me so. She also told alot of other animals, so it must be true.

As the sky is about to fall, I feel that we must take steps to prepare. Where we take these steps from, and how many we take, well, that I do not know. All I know is, any time there is an emergency, people say you must take steps. I figure that if we stockpile these steps we won’t have to worry when the time comes.

Having made a sufficiently large pile of steps, the next thing we must do is dig a hole. Not for any purpose, mind you, but it will help pass the time until the sky does indeed fall.

After the steps and the hole, we must check our insurance policy to make sure it has a reasonable ‘Falling Sky’ clause, as we would not want to be stuck with the bill if the sky does any damage when it falls.

If, after going to all these measures, the sky fails to fall, we must prepare ourselves for a lovely roast chicken.

Times are tough.

One jumped out of an alley and punched me in the spleen yesterday. That’s how tough they are. Stay away from times, if you can.

It did teach me one thing though… When the going gets rough, punch it in the spleen.

According to some fancy linguist from the University of Somewhere Vague and Uninteresting, rocks are actually very intelligent beings with complicated thought patterns and a highly evolved system of communication. I was amazed to hear this, so I went out into the garden and talked to a rock. It didn’t reply, which I thought was really rude. I was in a Japanese rock garden though, so I figured that it must just be a language barrier thing. So I went inside, had some breakfast, and learned Japanese. I went outside to dazzle this rock with my newly acquired skills, but still received no answer. Then I remembered that this particular rock had been quarried in Italy, so¬† went back inside, had a cup of tea, and learned Italian. Armed with this new language, I marched back out into the garden, and again addressed the rock. Still I received no answer. I felt defeated. I didn’t know what to do. Then I realised what the problem was… I’d been talking to the wrong end of the rock! So, knowing this, I walked to the other end of the rock and said hello. The rock gave me a look of disgust, and said “Rocks can’t talk, you idiot.”

I’ll have to remember that next time I listen to some fancy linguist.

Breaking news!! Is that possible? Can you really break news? I guess I could put the ‘ne’ over here and the ‘ws’ over here. That would be breaking news, wouldn’t it? I thought so…

Anyway, back to the breaking news!!

There has been a marked decline in the production of sultanas since grapes started using moisturiser. Experts are concerned that other fruits may catch on. This could have dire consequences for the dried and wrinkly fruit industries.

In totally unrelated news, an egg spoke today. Theories abound as to what the egg said, ranging from the meaning of the universe, to a very yummy omelette recipe, but as nobody speaks egg, we will never know.

Right… so… a blog, eh?

I knew a blog once. Very gentle fellow, he was. A bit shy and retiring. Didn’t really have much to say.

Sometimes I would visit, with lamingtons, and we would sit around discussing this and that (mostly that), drinking tea with a splash of milk. The lamingtons usually went uneaten. Sometimes we would just sit there and stare at them for hours on end. I think that may be what got in the way of our friendship, you know… too much dessicated coconut is bad for the eyes.

I don’t know what happened to that blog. Last I heard he had moved to Europe to start a communal vegetable garden. I hope he and his horticultural projects are going well, wherever he may be.